It's Sunday evening. The kids are in the pool with dad. The sun is out and the weather is hot! I don't know if it's because it's Summertime or if it's the smell of Russian Olive trees in the air but my mind and heart keep going back to Montana. When I was home last I was overcome by the feeling of freedom that I only feel in Montana. Maybe it's because of the wide openness of the land. Maybe it's because time seems to stand still there. Or maybe it's because the pressure to look and be perfect do not hold the same energy as they do every where else that I've lived.
When I was 20 and moving to New York City, my grandpa Mills who was original to Florida and stationed in Montana with the Air Force said to me, "everyone comes back to Montana Katie." I probably rolled my eyes at what I thought to be a ridiculous comment. Twelve years and four states later his words fill my soul as I hear my heart say, "how do I get back to Montana." We have a happy, lovely, beautiful life where we are but when I think about things, people and places that make me truly happy ~ I always see Montana. I wonder if these are the feelings of everyone that grew up in a magical place. Do they some how find contentment where they end up and life goes on. Though I've tried to be content, I'm still haunted by the wind and the smell and the energy of Montana.
I've been through a tremendous "shedding and reveling" stage in my life. Having a drop of cancer on my body made me wake up to the patterns and relationships that were cancerous. Because of these relationships, some even my entire life, I've never allowed myself to ask, "what do I want in life?" Even while in New York and Seattle, I didn't take opportunities that could have been good for me because they wouldn't allow me to get home for the Holidays or when I was "needed." I even left a blessed, guided and filled life in New York because another person lead on that "they couldn't live without me." When I left New York for them they went back to the same abusive ways and took me for granted. I was young and didn't know any better. Now that I'm in my 30's, I'm aware that every relationship I support carries an energy. And if that relationship takes energy away from me and tries to manipulate me as well, the cost is too high and I have things in my life today that need and deserve my energy. I find myself asking "what do I want" all day long. It's like meeting myself again and again: do I want that because it's cheap, non-fat, will everyone else like it, will my husband think we can afford it?
In the last few months I've painted my room a funny dark blue, bought new bedding and curtains and purchased the most lovely lamps imaginable. They are zebra print with black antique looking bases and long black feathers as accents. My daughter squeals with excitement when she comes into my room, "mom your lamps are so funky!" They are and so am I ~ I've just been too asleep (seeking approval) to remember!
I can't wait to express myself with my new found memory that I can. Isn't that what we're all here for ~ expression. Whether you're funky, normal, odd or silly - I hope you know it....!
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Hair and Care
Motherhood
I've pushed through a huge pattern this month. Three month's after my daughter was born (she's 6 now) my husbands job moved us to New England. Without realizing it we became the most over protected parents on the planet. We even bought a $3,000 home gym including something that resembles a Smith machine, weight stack and a good treadmill. We did this because she was so precious to us - we didn't trust a Gym daycare. Basically for those two years my daughter was by my side 100% of the time. In fact, she didn't even really need to talk because I understood her every need and other then two or three visits from family - we didn't engage with anyone else other then the daily nosy neighbors. Four years ago we moved here and it was a very slow journey in finally joining a gym ( just to get out of the house) and getting my girl into Pre School when she was four. It was only two years ago that I let a friend watch my kids while my husband and I went on a date. Our first date in four years and two kids later was weird. I didn't know how to talk to him and I was afraid that we'd lost the magic that was there before we had kids, but months later on our second date there was a lightening of the spirit and I loved having that alone time with him. And I could see how important these dates were.
The major push into reality was about a month ago my husband had to catch an early flight and he'd already left for the airport an hour away. I took the kids out to the car for my girls last three days of school and with no earlier indication - the car didn't start.. Dead. I started crying realizing that I was going to be alone with two kids, no car and a few days of school left. I called my husband whom yelled, "what am I supposed to do about it - I'm going to miss my flight!" He came home and we threw the kids in the truck and got our girl off to school. It took my husband missing his plane for work for me to realize that I cannot do it on my own. Six months earlier I'd ran into a woman that I met when I moved here. I knew she was an over protected mother, a good mother. In our brief conversation she mentioned a drop off kids place in town that was "Incredible!" Last week when my hip went out I scheduled a quick chiropractic session. I'd normally drag my kids with me, be stressed out that they would be too loud, whine too much. That morning I thought, "no, it's better for me and it's better for the kids if I take this opportunity to reach out for help". I took them to the drop off care and when I returned, they were so happy and had a great time. And I was calm and relaxed - because I had put my Wonder Woman cape in the closet and left it home.....
This week, I broke a pattern yesterday when I took my nearly 3 year old son to the hair dressers for the first time. I cut every ones hair to save a buck and in return get screamed at and work up a sweat wrestling the little guy trying to cut a straight line in his hair. But yesterday he sat in a little red fire truck and watched Charlie Brown while a very nice lady cut his hair and I got to just sit back and relax and enjoy a professional do her work!
Sometimes the best intentions create a pattern that is not always the healthiest in the long run. Even though it was hard taking those two steps, I feel lighter and brighter for having the courage to do something "different." And every ones happier especially the kids.....
I've pushed through a huge pattern this month. Three month's after my daughter was born (she's 6 now) my husbands job moved us to New England. Without realizing it we became the most over protected parents on the planet. We even bought a $3,000 home gym including something that resembles a Smith machine, weight stack and a good treadmill. We did this because she was so precious to us - we didn't trust a Gym daycare. Basically for those two years my daughter was by my side 100% of the time. In fact, she didn't even really need to talk because I understood her every need and other then two or three visits from family - we didn't engage with anyone else other then the daily nosy neighbors. Four years ago we moved here and it was a very slow journey in finally joining a gym ( just to get out of the house) and getting my girl into Pre School when she was four. It was only two years ago that I let a friend watch my kids while my husband and I went on a date. Our first date in four years and two kids later was weird. I didn't know how to talk to him and I was afraid that we'd lost the magic that was there before we had kids, but months later on our second date there was a lightening of the spirit and I loved having that alone time with him. And I could see how important these dates were.
The major push into reality was about a month ago my husband had to catch an early flight and he'd already left for the airport an hour away. I took the kids out to the car for my girls last three days of school and with no earlier indication - the car didn't start.. Dead. I started crying realizing that I was going to be alone with two kids, no car and a few days of school left. I called my husband whom yelled, "what am I supposed to do about it - I'm going to miss my flight!" He came home and we threw the kids in the truck and got our girl off to school. It took my husband missing his plane for work for me to realize that I cannot do it on my own. Six months earlier I'd ran into a woman that I met when I moved here. I knew she was an over protected mother, a good mother. In our brief conversation she mentioned a drop off kids place in town that was "Incredible!" Last week when my hip went out I scheduled a quick chiropractic session. I'd normally drag my kids with me, be stressed out that they would be too loud, whine too much. That morning I thought, "no, it's better for me and it's better for the kids if I take this opportunity to reach out for help". I took them to the drop off care and when I returned, they were so happy and had a great time. And I was calm and relaxed - because I had put my Wonder Woman cape in the closet and left it home.....
This week, I broke a pattern yesterday when I took my nearly 3 year old son to the hair dressers for the first time. I cut every ones hair to save a buck and in return get screamed at and work up a sweat wrestling the little guy trying to cut a straight line in his hair. But yesterday he sat in a little red fire truck and watched Charlie Brown while a very nice lady cut his hair and I got to just sit back and relax and enjoy a professional do her work!
Sometimes the best intentions create a pattern that is not always the healthiest in the long run. Even though it was hard taking those two steps, I feel lighter and brighter for having the courage to do something "different." And every ones happier especially the kids.....
Monday, June 13, 2011
Hip hurt and loving it
Saturday I woke up with the most unbearable pain. My right hip wouldn't allow me to bend without bringing tears to my eyes. I went on a run Friday night and as I was a mile into my three mile run I felt a pop in my right thigh. I couldn't move. I didn't have my cell phone to call my husband - so I did what I had to do - drag my leg home. I felt like a wounded animal, so obvious with a gimp.
When I realized Saturday morning that I wouldn't be able to eat a Blizzard and tell myself that I'd run it off later - I knew I had to do something different. When I went into the kitchen to get an Advil, I saw the grains that I had been soaking to make my very first batch of Rejuvilac and Raw Cashew Cheese. It was the perfect day to do a Living Greens day. I put green powder into my water and set out on making my concoctions. I'm happy to report that my Rejuvilac turned out perfect which in turn made my nut cheese turn out perfect. Nut cheese is: 2 cups Rejuvilac, 2 cups raw cashews and a scoop of coconut oil, blend and refrigerate and 'vola, an amazing raw cheese.
I'm glad that my hip hurt long enough to slow me down so that I could prepare new and exciting things. It's been three days of "living foods" and my sugar and cheese addictions feel like a memory. Well almost....
Simple, simple, simple.....
When I realized Saturday morning that I wouldn't be able to eat a Blizzard and tell myself that I'd run it off later - I knew I had to do something different. When I went into the kitchen to get an Advil, I saw the grains that I had been soaking to make my very first batch of Rejuvilac and Raw Cashew Cheese. It was the perfect day to do a Living Greens day. I put green powder into my water and set out on making my concoctions. I'm happy to report that my Rejuvilac turned out perfect which in turn made my nut cheese turn out perfect. Nut cheese is: 2 cups Rejuvilac, 2 cups raw cashews and a scoop of coconut oil, blend and refrigerate and 'vola, an amazing raw cheese.
I'm glad that my hip hurt long enough to slow me down so that I could prepare new and exciting things. It's been three days of "living foods" and my sugar and cheese addictions feel like a memory. Well almost....
Simple, simple, simple.....
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Swing of Things
Good June to you. It's been a while since I've sat with a full thought having now two children home all day. I had hopes of this precious Summer with my babes, and yet at week two I feel haggard. My son won't take naps anymore and my daughter asks, "what are we doing, where are we going, can I have a Popsicle, can I go swimming," ever 5 minutes. Though a schedule is on paper it feels like nothing more then a map to the Holy Grail. It all looks good but has anyone ever touched it. It is touchable or is it a divine symbol. So far, my schedule remains a map to what could be....
On happy notes I have committed to writing my first book. The book is a biographical story detailing the major confirmation of my Intuitive abilities growing up. It is of course about Peter Steel of Type O Negative. How I knew I would meet him (and marry him,) how I moved from Montana to New York City, met, and started dating him having only been in New York a week. It's the tale of how it ended, how I reacted and how he came for a visit back to me after he passed away in 2010. The process has been difficult, liberating, joyous and sad. It's a healing journey and I'm grateful to take it. Particularly because I have the most stable, loving husband and children that allow me to go back to those memories without an ounce of "what if." If there was a "what if" I wouldn't have the blessings of a devoted husband and happy children that I Have...
Also, I am going to stop being selfish and fear full and begin my first teaching series on Intuition. The three part Series will cover all three of the Clair's, have an exercise on How it works followed by a meditation. July 11th, 18th and 25th at the Living Arts Wellness Center.
And finally, I have had my first Ozone Treatment which is a cozy steaming machine that circulates Ozone throughout the sauna. It kills cancer cells and oxygenates our body's. I loved the feeling of the treatment and my skin looks pure and clean.
And second finally, I took a writing class from Susan Alt at the local writing association. It's focus was on getting the usless words out of our sentences. I have a useless word addiction so I (and you) benefited from it greatly. Also - though I haven't actually read any of his novel's, I did pick up Steven Kings book, "On Writing," which is one of the best books that I've ever read. I have tremendous respect for his respect for the craft of writing...I couldn't put the book down..
If you have any comments or suggestions of more books on writing please share!
On happy notes I have committed to writing my first book. The book is a biographical story detailing the major confirmation of my Intuitive abilities growing up. It is of course about Peter Steel of Type O Negative. How I knew I would meet him (and marry him,) how I moved from Montana to New York City, met, and started dating him having only been in New York a week. It's the tale of how it ended, how I reacted and how he came for a visit back to me after he passed away in 2010. The process has been difficult, liberating, joyous and sad. It's a healing journey and I'm grateful to take it. Particularly because I have the most stable, loving husband and children that allow me to go back to those memories without an ounce of "what if." If there was a "what if" I wouldn't have the blessings of a devoted husband and happy children that I Have...
Also, I am going to stop being selfish and fear full and begin my first teaching series on Intuition. The three part Series will cover all three of the Clair's, have an exercise on How it works followed by a meditation. July 11th, 18th and 25th at the Living Arts Wellness Center.
And finally, I have had my first Ozone Treatment which is a cozy steaming machine that circulates Ozone throughout the sauna. It kills cancer cells and oxygenates our body's. I loved the feeling of the treatment and my skin looks pure and clean.
And second finally, I took a writing class from Susan Alt at the local writing association. It's focus was on getting the usless words out of our sentences. I have a useless word addiction so I (and you) benefited from it greatly. Also - though I haven't actually read any of his novel's, I did pick up Steven Kings book, "On Writing," which is one of the best books that I've ever read. I have tremendous respect for his respect for the craft of writing...I couldn't put the book down..
If you have any comments or suggestions of more books on writing please share!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)