Sunday evening

It's Sunday evening.  The kids are in the pool with dad.  The sun is out and the weather is hot!  I don't know if it's because it's Summertime or if it's the smell of Russian Olive trees in the air but my mind and heart keep going back to Montana.  When I was home last I was overcome by the feeling of freedom that I only feel in Montana.  Maybe it's because of the wide openness of the land.  Maybe it's because time seems to stand still there.  Or maybe it's because the pressure to look and be perfect do not hold the same energy as they do every where else that I've lived. 

When I was 20 and moving to New York City, my grandpa Mills who was original to Florida and stationed in Montana with the Air Force said to me, "everyone comes back to Montana Katie."  I probably rolled my eyes at what I thought to be a ridiculous comment.  Twelve years and four states later his words fill my soul as I hear my heart say, "how do I get back to Montana."  We have a happy, lovely, beautiful life where we are but when I think about things, people and places that make me truly happy ~ I always see Montana.  I wonder if these are the feelings of everyone that grew up in a magical place.  Do they some how find contentment where they end up and life goes on.  Though I've tried to be content, I'm still haunted by the wind and the smell and the energy of Montana. 

I've been through a tremendous "shedding and reveling" stage in my life.  Having a drop of cancer on my body made me wake up to the patterns and relationships that were cancerous.  Because of these relationships, some even my entire life, I've never allowed myself to ask, "what do I want in life?" Even while in New York and Seattle, I didn't take opportunities that could have been good for me because they wouldn't allow me to get home for the Holidays or when I was "needed."  I even left a blessed, guided and filled life in New York because another person lead on that "they couldn't live without me."  When I left New York for them they went back to the same abusive ways and took me for granted.  I was young and didn't know any better.  Now that I'm in my 30's, I'm aware that every relationship I support carries an energy.  And if that relationship takes energy away from me and tries to manipulate me as well, the cost is too high and I have things in my life today that need and deserve my energy.  I find myself asking "what do I want" all day long.  It's like meeting myself again and again:  do I want that because it's cheap, non-fat, will everyone else like it, will my husband think we can afford it? 

In the last few months I've painted my room a funny dark blue, bought new bedding and curtains and purchased the most lovely lamps imaginable.  They are zebra print with black antique looking bases and long black feathers as accents.  My daughter squeals with excitement when she comes into my room, "mom your lamps are so funky!"  They are and so am I  ~ I've just been too asleep (seeking approval) to remember! 

I can't wait to express myself with my new found memory that I can.  Isn't that what we're all here for ~ expression.  Whether you're funky, normal, odd or silly - I hope you know it....!