After three years of figuring out what sort of physical home suites me (i.e. lifting, running, light weights, heavy weights) I believe I'm on to something. When I was single I starved and ran. I did toning and a 3lb weight video daily. For years I maintained 130 lbs. When I met my husband we bonded over meals out as most new couples do. After I had my daughter I got back to eating less and running more and was able to lose most of my baby weight. As we moved to New England I realized that I couldn't starve and carry my baby every where. I was used to coming close to passing out in daily life, and it wasn't ok to be in that state with a baby in my care.
I began the never ending journey of studying nutrition and various diets. It took years of reflection to accept that I was not fed growing up. There may have been cereal in the morning and if my mom had spare change in her purse that would have been spent on a small pack of m&m's. I don't have any memory of dinners at the table unless it was a special occasion. If I was at my grandmother's all meals would be laid before me and I would gobble them up. Even the frozen brown bread and dry milk. The lack of appreciation and gratitude for good food in my early years created an eating disorder in me that I'm still coming to terms with. I spent many years eating a bowl of cereal three times a day. I was terribly thin and the memory's around that time was that everyone told me how beautiful I looked. Since I've had my second child I realize the reason I'm refusing to get lower then my size 10's is because when I was in my size 6 and 8 pants I was so unhappy. I was starved both body and mind. My spirit was in deep pain and lonely. Now that I have everything I've ever wanted, I have to push my mind and heart to create a new experience around being small and healthy. I can get into my size 6 pants, but I will have to redefine what that feels and looks like.
My raw food passion helps and keeps me healthy. I started lifting heavy weights three years ago because my husband told me I should. Though I love the strength, I hate the bulk. I bought P90X and quit the gym in May. I made good weight loss gains with the P90X program but I was terrified to use heavy weights or bands for fear that I would build more muscle and the eating program is just like a body building plan: milk and meat. Finally, the answer to my hopes appeared. I came across the Tracy Anderson program and ordered it last week. So far the dance cardio is fun and the muscle structure video hurts like hell. But it's designed to thin out and tighten the body. The eating program is very Raw Foodish in that the first week you use raw food and blend it or juice it. It's day four on the 90 day program for me and I feel sore and irritated. The irritation shows me how I've used food or coffee to numb my irritation that I feel in other area's of my life. I am fully participating in this program like I've never done before. I've taken the pictures, I've got on the scale and I have the courage to look at my feelings when they come up no matter how inconvenient.
I'm also staying more committed to the things that bring me joy out side of being a mommy. I've been writing and taking vocal coaching. I joined the Colorado Writers Association am taking a four week writing class. Steven Kings "On Writing" book is our guide and it's been fulfilling to being among other writers. Their stories and opinions fill my spirit and when I leave them I feel my tank has been filled. In my singing field I began vocal coaching from an amazing teacher named Cynthia. She is like no one I've met before and in three sessions I've noticed a huge difference in my technique.
I am intrigued by the Raw Food diet. Having been without an oven for the summer (cook top still working and outdoor grill used, of course,) it's been an interested few months to consider alternatives to baked foods and goodies.
ReplyDeleteMaybe we'll cross paths at NCW. :-}