Why Yes I do have a Voice

"Somewhere along the way someone wrote on the Slate Of Who You Were.  They created a Script, a character. They tell themselves over and over that you are and will forever be that character they created when they wrote that script," - Dr. Phill, Self Matters

These words rolled through my mind tonight as I went for my run.  I read these word over and over ten years ago when I took this book out to the ocean to either heal or kill myself.  I spent a week going over and over the exercises Dr. Phill put in that Self Matters book.  It saved my life.  For once I had less confusion and read about a theory called boundaries that I had never heard of. 

I remember in my first Psychic Mediation group I couldn't catch my breath. I wanted to pass out when I realized I would have to say my name in front of the 10 strangers that were there.  If I had to answer a question my heart would start to pound and my breath quickened. I didn't know that at the time, I had no voice. I couldn't even say my name.

One of the most surprising blessings about Recovering my Intuition was that I ultimately recovered my voice. Unfortunately the greatest shift in recovering my voice was last May when I realized that I had created a small skin cancer spot on my chest. Why do I say that I created this spot?  In Lousis Hay's beautiful book "Heal Your Life," I found under skin conditions, "skin protects your individuality." Up until that bump appeared on my chest I was continuing to dummy-myself down for people, careful when speaking the truth thus not to offend anyone and terrified at anyone seeing my writings, my thoughts and words. 

Post surgery I found myself among ashes of illusions.  Illusions of friendships, illusions of safety, illusions of family, illusions in my work. For the first time in my life weak and vulnerable, I saw quite black and white what people's intentions were with me. With that fragile, stitched hole in my chest I was a primed bullshit detector and the one I had been bullshitting was myself. 

I confronted every family member, confronted every relationship that I had been in denial about and came back to myself with a Mirror the size of New York. I looked at myself honestly for the first time in my life and realized that I'd been living a chicken shit life. Timid with my clients, timid with cruel family members, timid with my gifts and talent and still timid with my voice and work.

I began to write. I wrote a Memoir during the summer and when I get brave I started this blog. I was nauseated the first time I sent something public. Instead of anger and disapproval, I found people reach out to me in the most life affirming way I'd ever experienced. For once I was doing something that was true to myself, and people felt it. 

Since those vulnerable days after surgery, I promised myself that I would say, write and do my life from a place of passion and honesty. I won't be bullied any longer into pretending that I am anything other then who I am and I will never shrink myself again in the name of approval. 

Cancer showed me that life is short and that love may not come from who you think it should, but if you're brave, you may find that love all around you from people you never realized do....It also showed me that you very well may be doing what you were meant to be doing, it just might take some time to let go of patterns and destructive relationships that no longer serve you.  

Six months later I speak infront of people in my Ask a Medium events, I lead Psychic Recovery Workshops, have done interveiw's and readings on the radio and have been follwed for months by a journalist student doing a piece on me and my work. For the last 6 months all I've been doing is using my voice and I've never felt so alive.....